Questions to Ask Your Parents: Keep Their Stories Alive

1. Start a conversation, not an interview

An old photo is sitting on the kitchen table while you have coffee together. Instead of announcing a list of questions, try: “I don’t know the story behind this picture. Would you like to tell me?” A walk or a quiet video call can work just as well.

Start with two or three questions. Share something yourself, and stay with a story if the person seems happy to keep going. For conversations about family history, TIME recommends bringing in photos, letters, or keepsakes and following interesting answers with more questions.

These questions work for stepparents, adoptive parents, godparents, or other people who helped raise you, too. You get to choose whom you want to have these conversations with.

• •Open gently: “I’d love to know more about your life growing up. Do you feel like talking about it?”
• •Start small: “What food takes you straight back to your childhood?”
• •Follow up: “Who else was around the table?”
• •Go a little deeper: “How did that feel at the time?”
• •Offer a break: “Shall we leave it there and pick this up another time?”

2. Questions to ask your parents about their childhood

Start with places, sounds, and people rather than a complete life story. “What did your kitchen look like?” leaves room for a specific scene. “Tell me about your whole life” is a much bigger ask.

Ask the questions below at the kitchen table, or write a few on cards for an evening looking through photo albums.

• •What did a typical afternoon look like when you were ten?
• •Where was your favorite place, and what did you do there?
• •Who could you talk to about your worries as a child?
• •What small thing felt like a real luxury back then?
• •What did you dream of becoming or trying?
• •Which rule at home seemed unfair to you?
• •What memory still makes you laugh?

3. Questions about you and their experience as parents

You might know your first-day-of-school photos but not the stories around them. What made you light up? What were your parents unsure about? Ask for their perspective without treating it as the only true version of your childhood.

If you remember things differently, there can be room for both accounts. You might say: “I experienced that differently, but I still want to understand what it was like for you.”

• •What did I get really excited about as a little kid?
• •What ordinary moment we shared has stayed with you?
• •What surprised you about me?
• •What were you afraid of when you became a parent?
• •What did you try for the first time because of me?
• •What mattered most to you when you were raising me, and why?
• •What do you understand differently now?
• •What memory of the two of us would you most like to preserve?

4. Questions for grandparents about everyday life

Ask your grandparents about more than dates and names on the family tree. The journey to school, their first paycheck, or an afternoon with their grandchildren belongs in their life story, too.

At a family gathering, choose questions that several generations can answer. A child might describe how they get to school today, then ask what that journey used to be like.

• •How did you get to school, and who went with you?
• •What was completely normal when you were young that would seem unusual today?
• •What did you spend your first earnings on?
• •How did you make plans with friends?
• •Who in our family would you like me to get to know through your stories?
• •What do you especially enjoy doing with your grandchildren now?
• •What would you still like to learn from the younger generation?

5. Talk about love, values, and turning points

If you’re both comfortable getting more personal, ask about decisions, relationships, and hopes. Give a little warning before changing direction: “Can I ask you something a bit more personal?”

There’s no need to come away with a grand life lesson. A story about a helpful neighbor or a difficult career decision can mean just as much.

• •How did you know you were loved in your family?
• •Who helped you through a difficult time?
• •Which decision changed your life more than you expected?
• •What belief have you changed your mind about over the years?
• •What are you proud of that hardly anyone knows about?
• •What would you still like to experience or try?
• •Which tradition would you like to pass on—and which ones can we let go?

6. Ask difficult questions without adding pressure

If you’re looking for questions to ask your parents before they die, you may be hoping to preserve their voice and their view of the world. That doesn’t mean you have to cover everything at once. You can start today with one happy memory.

When a topic involves illness, loss, conflict, or old hurts, ask permission first. The NIH publication MedlinePlus recommends patience, respect, and a private setting when needed for sensitive conversations about family health. You can take the same approach with other personal topics.

A no doesn’t need an explanation. Don’t spring these questions on someone in front of the whole family, and don’t ask children to mediate between adults. If contact with your parents isn’t possible or isn’t good for you, you don’t have to reconnect to ask these questions.

• •Ask permission: “I’d like to talk about the time after the separation. Would that be okay with you?”
• •When talking about loss: “Would you like to tell me about the person you’re missing?”
• •When discussing your own hurt: “Can I tell you how I experienced that situation?”
• •Ask about wishes: “Is there anything you’d like us to know about your wishes for the time ahead?”
• •Respect a boundary: “Thanks for telling me. We don’t have to talk about it.”

7. Make separate time for family health questions

Health questions deserve their own quiet moment. Explain why you’re asking: “I’d like to understand our family health history better so I can share it at medical appointments. What would you feel comfortable telling me?”

The CDC lists major health conditions, age at diagnosis, and causes and ages of death among the relevant details in a family health history. This can include information about parents, grandparents, siblings, aunts, and uncles.

Mark unknown details as unknown rather than filling in the gaps. Don’t share personal health information in the family group chat without permission. Collecting this information doesn’t replace medical advice; talk with a healthcare professional about what it means for your preventive care.

• •What major health conditions are known to run in our family?
• •About how old were those relatives when they were diagnosed?
• •Do we know their causes and ages of death?
• •Which details are you sure about, and which would we need to check?
• •What information may I write down to discuss with my doctor?

8. Save the stories in a memory book or recording

Ask for explicit permission before recording, and agree on who may listen later. If someone doesn’t want to be recorded, shared notes or a caption in a photo album can be enough. Not every story needs to be saved.

For a family memory book, give each conversation a small section: one question, one story, and a related photo. Let the person who shared the story read it afterward and decide what should stay private.

• •Prepare: Choose a photo or object and two questions that go with it.
• •Follow up: “What happened next?” or “What surprised you about that?”
• •Add context: With permission, note the date, names, and place connected to the memory.
• •Check details: Flag uncertain dates and differing recollections.
• •Get approval: Ask which notes or recordings you may share with others.
• •Wrap up: “Is there anything else I should have asked you?”